It comes down to your personality, which you don’t get to pick. I think I’m really lucky that the things I’m able to love—people, animals—it’s like the more you put yourself into it, the more you get out of it.
Part of me just wants to keep all these things with me and love them and keep it all together. But that doesn’t always work out for the best. Some people, they don’t want to be that loved, they don’t want to be that involved, they don’t want to be part of your family. That’s where the pain comes in. You want the world to be what you want it to be, and sometimes the world doesn’t want that.
That’s because we’re just sensitive people. We wouldn’t be artists, writers, painters, musicians, if we weren’t sensitive. All the great things that I get to be curious about, see, and experience because I’m sensitive to the world, it also opens up these areas where there’s a lot of pain and suffering. You’re just aware, aware, aware. I’ll accept the pain and the suffering, because I know that in that there’s a lot of beauty, too. We don’t ever want to shut down and say, I’m afraid to go that far down the road because there’s going to be pain. There’ll be beauty, too, and if you stop here, you stop all that.
The Terror refers to the sudden realization about yourself. We are all really alone. We’re isolated in our own mind. I want to know what you’re thinking, you want to know what I’m thinking. But we’re alone. In our own minds. We’re trapped in this sort of isolation. I think that’s what I mean by “the terror.” There’s a cave, we go inside of ourselves because we want to know more, and we turn this one corner and we go, Oh my god—I didn’t know that was in here. We can never go back to the way we were. It’s like a horrible car accident—you’re never the same after that. It’s something that you’ll think about every day for the rest of your life.
I give up.
After the roughest years of trying and not trying and mostly failing, I decided I quit relationships and love for good. It is the best alternative I can come up with to avoid getting the short end of the stick as I always do.
It’s not that I don’t go out enough, or that I don’t have a job or don’t go to college, or that I have zero personality or that I’m not a good guy or anything, it’s just that I’m not meant for anyone. It hurts like a motherfucker, but it’s the truth and I’m coming to terms with it.
People always say that it will find you, that it will come when you least expect it, that the universe will give you what you want… Let me tell you something, folks: No. It’s all bullshit. The only way it works is if you go out and get what you want, and even that doesn’t guarantee you will get it.
I admit that sometimes I don’t do enough, but why try when it is clear that it won’t lead to anything? My last relationships were mostly long-distance women with issues, the kind of issues that make them stalk the living hell out of you, call you at 4am telling you they’re gonna end their life because you didn’t pay attention or going insane like someone raped her because you tell her you’d like to make love to her.
Most of these women, if not all rarely or never saw me at all. And I cared deeply about them and liked them, because I might be an asshole but not that much… But it’s always the same: you attract the women that seem desirable and they manage to reveal their insane true nature and tear down that charm and make you run away from them, and you will never attract the women you truly desire because you cannot have them.
The last straw for me was when the girl I was certain I would end up with basically tells me we won’t be together because she’s kind of in between something with someone else who doesn’t even fucking live here. So I’ve wasted time I could have used sleeping and songs I wrote for you knowing I could have used them for other things FOR NOTHING? Even worse, you never even acknowledge anything about my feelings or yours about me, because you don’t. At least a straight up “I don’t like you” could have put me to ease. I hate those women that act dumb when you get into those subjects and surprise you with a douchebag holding their hand a month later.
It’s been ages since I had a real relationship. I’ve been into severe bouts of depression and mostly because of girls. I do love myself, though. I’m 50/50 about that. I am an asshole and I admit it, yeah. I’ve left people behind, I’ve hurt people before, I’ve gone “all or nothing” on some… I have done as much bad as good. And it never mattered. It doesn’t make a difference if you love or hate yourself because no one gives a fuck.
You will always be the idiot falling head over heels for the girl whose eyes are already locked on your friend who does look much better than you even though he doesn’t even know how to speak correctly. You will always be a third, a fifth or a seventh wheel.
You will always get thrown aside because there’s someone else. You will always be misunderstood. You will always fall for the “we would have pretty cool babies” line. You will be deceived by hints that never mean anything. It is your only fate. You will always bump into the wrong people anyway.
Nothing, not even faith will save you. It doesn’t matter how old or wealthy or cool you are. If it weren’t against my morals, I’m pretty sure I would kill myself. No one would give a fuck apart from my parents anyway.
I give up on love. I don’t believe in that shit anymore. Right now I’m totally bitter about it, but hopefully soon I will be clearing my goals. Many years later, I will be the strange lonely uncle to my nephews and nieces. I will be knee-deep in success and I will not share with anyone. And I will die alone as we all do, knowing I was meant to live alone and die alone too and happy that it is over.
Everyone seems to get what they want and who they want except for me.
Ain’t life fucking awesome?
An experiment and a promise.
Source: SoundCloud / skvader
I wish some things were much more simple…
Speak In Tongues - Placebo
So we both can speak in tongues…
This song, right after the second chorus, is exactly why I love this band. They’re capable of being bleak and androgynous and becoming a stellar arena rock band at the same fucking time.